Thursday, March 8, 2012

Now that's Fucking Metal

We are going to discuss Sex and Metal . Why? Well, it hit me the other day while listening to the new Sigh album that it would be a great soundtrack to fornicate to.I know Americans have all kinds of hang ups in this department and Metal heads are often to busy being grim or on-line debating the next big sub-genre to get laid, not too mention loners by nature when gathered together we lean more towards getting drunk and moshing. So with that in mind the might appeal more toward those of us who have snagged a female or happen to do so in the parking lot at the Maiden show or in the lobby of Dragon-con(yes I know this being written from a male point of view so translate over as applies to your gender).

First off Grim Kim Kelly in the past over at Invisible Oranges/Metal Sucks, has brought up Girl friend metal...any band accessible enough to lure your girlfriend into listening to metal (yes , i used the term girl friend, you might be gay or married, I am a hedonist/poly-amorist so little off on my conventional relationships)Some of the bands I am going to mention here might fall into that classification and might not be Troo or Kvlt enough for you and that's ok, you can go back to fapping to e-harmony videos and hentai.

I prefer having sex to music, it keeps things varied and well-paced as well as provides atmosphere. You say you don't have the time or energy to give thought to your sex-soundtrack... well your five minutes of missionary will inspire partner to go find someone who does put thought into it so no worries they were taking away from your quests anyways, how can you level up with that bitch around.

If you are not dating a metalhead, and no Tool doesn't count... then it's up to you to take charge here. I have tried to tread the middle ground here and just use my Last Fm Library or Ipod on shuffle, this is effective in introducing metal into the carnal realm but leaves a margin of error which doesn't always work for me, granted each persons sexual expressiveness varies, I am dominate and aggressive so I need music with those qualities though at the same time needs to have dynamic variations...just blast beats works about as well as just jack hammering her. While it has it's place "Transylvanian Hunger" might not be the best choice, if you have a problem with pre-mature ejaculation then forget that I said that and by all means.."So pure so cold it ..." , I think Sigh's "In Sominphobia" struck a chord for me is because it is more of a journey and has a certain sleazy swagger in it's chaos.But the act of sex has many dimensions to it just like good music, so here are my suggestions which have been road tested by myself as to what makes a good soundtrack.

Fore-play- Works best with darker music, slower paced ...slightly doomy. Recommended listening... "October Rust" Type O Negative,"Book of Kings" Mournful Congregation "Marrow of the Spirit" Agalloch,"Green album" Woods of Ypres "Vertebrae" Enslaved

Oral- We are picking up the pace here and it depends on who is doing what if you are tremolo picking with your tongue follow the guitars something with alot of changes and a slight gallop..."Them" -King Diamond "Allison in Hell" Annihilator "Practice what you Preach" Testament if you are bobbing your head something a little quicker and not a busy "So far so good so what" Megadeth,"Domination" Morbid Angel "Bonded by blood" Exodus

Anal-this is not my thing but I imagine you would want some with grit and grime to drive the point home "Behold the monolith "Disma , " Dope sick" Eyehategod, " the Destroyers of all" Ulcerate

Intercourse- here's the attention to detail longer songs with peaks and valleys come into play I have a top ten here though they are in no particular order
1-Neurosis - Through Sliver and Blood
2-Acid Bath- Paegan Terrorism Tactics
3-Nachtmystium-Addicts
4-Watain -Lawless Darkness
5-Dissection- Reinkaos
6-Iron Maiden- Some where in time
7-Negura Bunget-Vîrstele Pămîntului
8-Sleepy Time Gorilla Museum- In Glorious times
9-An Autumn for Crippled Childern- Every thing
10-Behemoth-Evangelion
honorable mention...even though it's not metal , has a close enough vibe ...Swans- the great annihilator

Heavy Bondage- more commercial black metal "puritanical euphoric misanthropia" by Dimmu Borgir "Prometheus: The Discipline of Fire and Demise" Emperor "Incipit Satan" Gorgoroth

Bukkake or masturbation-youcock is the snare hit "the Bleeding " Cannibal Corpse "Legion" Deicide "Reign in blood" Slayer

"Here's to your fuck Frank" Blue Velvet

If you are delivering the goods and getting it done, the other person won't care if you are playing the entire Anal Cunt discography on a loop...why keep metal out of your sex, it's empowering so go get some.

No comments:

Post a Comment